Please, let me fuck your mom
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
