1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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