her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Is it because I queefed?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
