Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
