I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
