WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
