I love black thongs
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
