I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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