I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
