you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Boobs are out for the taking
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
