I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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