Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
