He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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