Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
