oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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