I accidentally burped into my bong.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
