What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
