the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
