Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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