I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
