my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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