its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
