the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Randomize
