i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
