did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
