Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
