I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
