Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
