I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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