Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
4 words: hood of his car
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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