This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
