did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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