First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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