dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Someone came in the potted fern
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
