the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
