Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
