fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
