just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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