I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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