she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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