Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
