She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
