We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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