Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We have so much sex to catch up on
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
