You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
