so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
