Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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