how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
