The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
