Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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